The Passing of a Legend:
The Obituary of Tyler “Tyler” Dickens
Tyler Charles Dickens, 89, of New York, NY, passed away on April 1st, 2078. While hiking through the woods of Vermont, he managed to save a group of young, hot, sexy blonde babes from being mauled by a group of grizzly bears. After killing seven grizzly bears with his bare hands and saving the girls from certain death, Dickens decided to take a break to eat a raw 72 ounce steak when he was viciously attacked from behind by a cowardly eighth bear. The three women he saved grieve Tyler’s death, for they would have totally banged him for saving their lives.
He was born December 30th, 1989, in Urinetown, Haiti, to Randy and Sharon Marsh. Close friends from his childhood admirably remember Tyler as “that kid who used to light his farts on fire during recess.” After acquiring a useless Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Hofstra University, Tyler gained instant fame in the Hollywood spotlight and his first Oscar nod for his breakthrough performance in the Tyler Perry film White People: Crazy as Hell!!!, co-starring Oprah Winfrey and of course, Tyler Perry. He would go on to win seven Oscars total, three Emmies, and four Grammies for his artistic achievements, and has become a beloved icon of popular culture, not that anyone has to be reminded.
Most of Tyler’s wives and lovers throughout his life remain relatively unknown, as he constantly divorced, remarried, and burned marriage licenses, because as he put it, “Bitches ain’t shit, yo.” From the information that has been gathered, we know Tyler is survived by at least two sons, Snuffalufagus, 54, also an Oscar winning actor, and Antwon, 35, a point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. Both Snuffaluffagus and Antwon are the sons of Tyler and actress Blake Lively, formerly of TV’s Gossip Girl.
The wake will be held in Tyler’s Manhattan loft, where there will be an open bar and a screening of Dumb and Dumber. This will take place April 5th at 8 p.m., with general admission being $50. Come out to see all your favorite Hollywood A-Lister grieve for whom they call “The Greatest That Ever Was.” Funeral plans are still T.B.A., as Tyler’s ex-wives and children don’t give enough of a shit to plan a funeral for him.
In essence, Tyler was totally awesome. Was he the coolest guy who ever lived? Only time will tell. But probably.