We're Hilarious
The Most Self-Aware Blog on the Internet
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(from Dan) Hey there, kids! Do you think your parents are embarrassing? If so, WATCH THIS and see that it could be so much worse…
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Jekyll and Hyde Railroad: Dan Discusses The Two Faces of Penn Station
Going to Hofstra University, I can say that there are a lot of perks when it comes to our location, such as being a short drive from Jones Beach and a quick walk from Nassau Coliseum. Though, neither of these can even compare to the fact that we are only a short train ride away from the city that never sleeps, New York City. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Hofstra student who has never gone to the city on a weekend or day off to see some sights, walk through Central Park, or take in a show. You see… aw, fuck it! Hofstra students mainly go to the city for one reason and one reason only: to drink.
It’s your birthday? You’re looking to have a night hanging out with your fraternity brothers? Looking to “get it in”? The city is usually the next response. Endless bars, slutty girls, and Italians. It’s like a stereotypical frat boy’s wet dream. The formula seems so simple too: take train from Mineola to Penn Station, go buckwild and crazy, take the train back. However, there is something dark and twisted in the Big Apple that most people never talk about. That is the two faces of Penn Station.
Let’s say you get to Penn Station around 4 or 5 pm. Everything looks perfect. Businessmen are bustling from work while “Nuts 4 Nuts” vendors are selling their delicious roasted peanuts. You may even see a flute band or ex-music-major-turned-starving-artist playing “Wonderwall” on his guitar. (It’s ALWAYS “Wonderwall”) Everyone is, for the most part, happy and friendly. It looks a lot like the opening scene from Beauty and the Beast, people hustling with glee on their ways. You walk with the busy, yet organized, crowd as they head from the train to the main strip of pizza places and KFC’s which line the exit. Walking out of the station and hitting Madison Square Garden, you remember that picture of happy-go-lucky New York and expect to come back to it when you’re done raving and macking on girls.
But you won’t.
Hours and hours have gone by. You and your drunken friends are stumbling over each other to get back to the station, cursing the girls who rejected you and calling them lesbians. You guys hope to God that you can catch a train before you get stuck in one of those weird gaps (between 1:37am to 3:07am or 3:15am to 4:54am) where the trains decide to stop taking drunken Hofstra students home. You descend into Penn Station and see it’s not how you left it. Not at all.
Something dark and twisted has happened to Penn Station while you were gone. The giant mass of New Yorkers is now replaced with blacked out college students and schizophrenic homeless. The guitar guy and flute bands are gone and a fat, old hobo who’s walking around and cursing George Washington for stealing his welfare checks. In the corner, a sorority slut is crying and no one knows why. You’re afraid to sit against a support beam because it looks like there’s pee there. You can’t go in any of the restaurants because you see a possible drug deal going on. Past you walks a fat and monstrous man drinking straight vodka, paying no attention to you as he bumps into you and curses. You and your friends huddle up close for protection. You’re pretty sure that one of those thugs against the opposite wall wants to stab you in the face and you’re not sure why. This vibrant New York train station has been replaced with a dark and gloomy cavern of despair that looks like you just fell ass backwards into a Tim Burton wet dream.
You look up and pray to God that the next train will arrive soon so you get grab a seat and be safe. As you and a hundred other drunken students look up at the big board, a fight between some guidos is going on and you’re trying hard to watch but not be seen. You smell a weird smell that can only be described as a bunch of dead cats that haven’t taken a bath in over a month. The name of your train shows up on the board! Of course, it says that your train leaves in 2 minutes. The second you realize this, a monstrous wave of drunk/terrified college students bolt for the track. You try to keep up but lose your friends in the hustle. It’s just like that scene from The Lion King where (spoiler alert!) Mufasa gets killed by the stampede. After walking a mile down the train and finally finding empty seats, you sit down and swear that you will never again catch a train from Penn Station after dark.
Of course, you know that’s bullshit.
- Dan
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No one can predict the future. That being said, this is probably how my life is going to go.
The Passing of a Legend:
The Obituary of Tyler “Tyler” Dickens
Tyler Charles Dickens, 89, of New York, NY, passed away on April 1st, 2078. While hiking through the woods of Vermont, he managed to save a group of young, hot, sexy blonde babes from being mauled by a group of grizzly bears. After killing seven grizzly bears with his bare hands and saving the girls from certain death, Dickens decided to take a break to eat a raw 72 ounce steak when he was viciously attacked from behind by a cowardly eighth bear. The three women he saved grieve Tyler’s death, for they would have totally banged him for saving their lives.
He was born December 30th, 1989, in Urinetown, Haiti, to Randy and Sharon Marsh. Close friends from his childhood admirably remember Tyler as “that kid who used to light his farts on fire during recess.” After acquiring a useless Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Hofstra University, Tyler gained instant fame in the Hollywood spotlight and his first Oscar nod for his breakthrough performance in the Tyler Perry film White People: Crazy as Hell!!!, co-starring Oprah Winfrey and of course, Tyler Perry. He would go on to win seven Oscars total, three Emmies, and four Grammies for his artistic achievements, and has become a beloved icon of popular culture, not that anyone has to be reminded.
Most of Tyler’s wives and lovers throughout his life remain relatively unknown, as he constantly divorced, remarried, and burned marriage licenses, because as he put it, “Bitches ain’t shit, yo.” From the information that has been gathered, we know Tyler is survived by at least two sons, Snuffalufagus, 54, also an Oscar winning actor, and Antwon, 35, a point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. Both Snuffaluffagus and Antwon are the sons of Tyler and actress Blake Lively, formerly of TV’s Gossip Girl.
The wake will be held in Tyler’s Manhattan loft, where there will be an open bar and a screening of Dumb and Dumber. This will take place April 5th at 8 p.m., with general admission being $50. Come out to see all your favorite Hollywood A-Lister grieve for whom they call “The Greatest That Ever Was.” Funeral plans are still T.B.A., as Tyler’s ex-wives and children don’t give enough of a shit to plan a funeral for him.
In essence, Tyler was totally awesome. Was he the coolest guy who ever lived? Only time will tell. But probably.
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Too Crazy for the Nut House: Dan Discusses Glenn Beck leaving Fox News
Global Civil Unrest. Financial Meltdowns. Socialism overtaking the United States. Gay people. In his two years on air, American hero and talking beanbag chair Glenn Beck has done his best to prepare us for everything, no matter how possible or impossible it seemed. Unfortunately, he never prepared for the massive ripple which struck through the heart of our country just a short time ago… the announcement that Glenn Beck would be leaving Fox News.
Before the time of Glenn Beck, the media was only concerned with pivotal and useless information like facts and proof. Every night I would toss and turn at night and ask myself, “What do I do in case of a Triceratops attack?” and “What if my president is actually a super villain aimed at destroying America?” All I would get were anchors like Anderson Cooper and Brian Williams as they relayed to me both sides of every argument. That’s horrible! If there are two sides to every argument and both sides are opposites, science says that one of those opinions is wrong. Who could I turn to when I needed someone to decipher through all the mish mash of “facts” and just plain and simply tell me what to believe so I don’t have to figure it out for myself? The good people over at Fox News heard my cry and journeyed to the farthest ends of our great country to find a sad, lonely, chubby little troll sitting underneath a bridge screaming racist slurs at mice. They threw a suit on him, gave him a desk and a chalkboard, filmed it, and called it The Glenn Beck Program.
The two years following were fantastic. Finally, I could sit my family around the television set and watch as an overemotional fat person would scream nonsense and dribble out to the people of America, most of which made no real sense. It was like they brought Roseanne back! Every night, Glenn Beck would surprise us with topics that he claimed few people in America were brave enough to talk about, even though I’m sure most of America didn’t even consider or care about them. Glenn would compare people he didn’t like to Nazis and terrorists and it would bring a smile to my face. And while the program lost over 300 sponsors and growing, it never brought a single tear to Beck’s eye (like everything else does). No! He would take a deep breath, whip out his chalk, and show America that “oligarchy” isn’t spelled with a “c” like the far-left radicals would want you to believe. From undecipherable noises, to weird cartoon character impressions, to rubbing his nipple when talking about federal subsidies, Glenn Beck was someone that everyone could get behind (very very FAR behind because it’s important not to let kids get too close). His hatred for the 9/11 victims and his wish to hit people over the head with shovels were definitely characteristics that made him trustworthy in our eyes.
Unfortunately, Fox News has decided not to renew Mr. Beck’s contract when his show ends. Apparently, Glenn Beck is getting to big to live at Fox News and the people over there just can’t take care of him anymore. They have to open his cage and let him back into the wild. I guess I’ll have to settle for Bill O’Reilly and his rants about how the sun going up and down proves that there is a God. You will be dearly missed, Glenn… and the next time I hear a politician talking about concerns for “global warming” or someone calling tea partiers “un-American”, I will live in your honor and accuse them of being a witch and scream until they leave… like you taught me.
- Dan
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If Rebecca Black’s “Friday” made you lose faith in the music industry, then you should listen to Black Out Band’s “Video Games” and hear what a brilliant song is supposed to sound like.
WARNING: This video may cause dizziness, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, polio, and bleeding from the anus. Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not watch this video. Do not operate heavy machinery while listening to this shit. BASICALLY, IT’S REALLY BAD.
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A Trojan Horse of Legos: Dan Discusses the Importance of a Classic Childhood Toy
At six years old, walking into a toy store was like stepping into heaven. Everywhere you looked you saw childhood treasures that a good amount of screaming and crying were sure to get you. Your mom or dad would say that famous line to you, “You can only pick one toy.” Now, you had one hell of a decision to make. Little girls would drift over towards the Barbie aisle and grab a “Sorority Slut Barbie” or, if they were feeling risky, maybe even one of Barbie’s token racial friends (There was always one African-American one and one Spanish/Asian one). Boys’ eyes might be caught by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Transformers action figure, the latter of which figuring out how to transform was like brain surgery even for parents. But, if you were feeling spunky and knew how to get the most for your parents’ buck, you passed by all of that and bolted directly over to the king aisle of the toy store… the Lego aisle.
Ah, Legos. Everyone remembers the classic procedure. First, dump all the pieces into a huge pile on the floor. Then, open the instructions and take your sweet ass time as you DaVinci a masterpiece that made you feel as though you had created LIFE! And if you wanted your Johnny Thunder truck to have wings or your Alpha Team submarine to be a convertible, you had the freedom to do just that! The only limit was your imagination! As a child, bringing Legos when playing with your friends was the equivalent to bringing ten uncontrollably hot girls to a frat party. You were the boss.
But, like every great thing in the world, there’s always a rip off version of it (just like how A Bug’s Life was followed by that piece of shit Antz). Here’s an image for you: It’s your birthday. You’re opening your birthday present and seeing, not Legos, but Mega Bloks!? I’m sorry, do I look like I’m mentally retarded? I don’t want those giant fugly things anywhere NEAR my epic Legos. Everyone knows that Mega Bloks are the mentally handicapped cousin of Legos. They were boring colored bricks that, when put together, were just a taller pile of boring colored bricks. Legos are to Mega Bloks what a shaving razor is to a bowling pin. Getting Mega Bloks as a gift from someone was their way of telling you that they don’t love you enough to spend a couple extra bucks on Legos and you now know who to never invite to your birthdays again. Every adult said the same bullshit line to you: “They’re the same thing.” That is a fat monstrous lie. If any kids out there ever get this line from your parents, I know just how to get them back. Wait about forty years down the road when your mom or dad is sick and they’re in desperate need for you to get their medication. Then, hand them a pack of Tic-Tacs and say “They’re the same thing.”
What else sucked were Knex. Sure, they could become giant epic roller-coasters and ferris wheels but they needed a rocket scientist to put together and when they were done… that was it. You had whatever the hell was on the box cover. Excuse me, but I didn’t put this giant son-of-a-bitch together to watch it spin once or twice then watch as a tiny touch would knock the whole contraption down. I built it because I want the ability to make it into whatever I want. The instructions aren’t supposed to be rules, they’re supposed to be suggestions! If Legos are the fun guy who’s the life of the party, Knex is the guy who talks about how he’s a public accountant and tells the same accounting joke over and over again until you’re ready to punch him in the face (By this logic, Mega Bloks would be the weirdo no one invited who’s spent the whole night talking to a pile of coats and asking if it’s seen the latest episode of Burn Notice).
So, parents… if you love your kids, go that extra step and buy them Legos. They’ll be the coolest kids at school and will love you forever. And kids, if your parents ever buy you some stupid knock-off brand like Mega Bloks, Knex, or (God forbid) Lincoln Logs (which deserves the response “Thanks Mom and Dad, I totally forgot it was 1861. By the way I hear the South is threatening to secede!”), don’t panic… just calmly tell your parents that they obviously made a mistake and should go back and exchange it for a Lego box or, with God as your witness, you will throw the biggest tantrum that not even a swat team and an exorcist will able to tame.
- by Dan
*I’m obviously kidding… no one bought any of Barbie’s minority friends. LOLZ
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Dan presents "I Now Pronounce You Evil and Fabulous": How Gay Ninjas are Trying to Kill Uncle Sam!
First, they try to turn all our children into raging, glitter-covered homosexuals. Then, they create things like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” to try and confuse hard-working heterosexual men into getting a chubby for an obvious “Gay-in-sheep’s-clothing”. They can’t decide which color to make their flag, so they pick all of them! You’d think all this was enough to fill their gay appetites but NO! Now, they’re after the holiest of American traditions after baseball and McDonald’s… MARRIAGE!
I’m talking of course about gay marriage. When God created the Bible, he said that homosexuality is an abomination (yet, for some reason, slavery and stoning your wife are allowed). So, for hundreds of years, we’ve beaten up and looked down on the gays. But now some freedom-hating, Godless liberals want to give homosexuals the ability to get married… like normal people!?! Everyone knows that we as Americans have to preserve the sanctity of marriage! Just look at upstanding shows like The Bachelorette or even ask Rush Limbaugh’s three-ex wives and they’ll tell you that there’s nothing more respected and cherished than marriage.
I don’t know about you, but the scary thought of gay marriage keeps me up at night tossing and turning. If gay marriage is allowed, I don’t know how I will ever be able to have sex with my wife without thinking about two hot sweaty men having sex and burning baby Jesus’ retinas. It’s hell on earth is what it is! Tree-hugging lefties like Lady GaGa and Sean Penn will tell you that gay people are “born this way”, but I don’t think that’s the case. Gay children come about by homosexuals teaching our youth to become the straight-hating foot soldiers of a “fabulous” gay army. Everyone knows that a straight man and a straight woman can’t have a gay child… it’s science (which is another ‘intellectual’ thing that attempts to contradict the Bible).
This “gay disease” has spread way too far and has infected too many people. They’ve taken the great Neal Patrick Harris and Freddie Mercury, icons for heterosexual men everywhere, and corrupted them into godless sodomites. They even got to our secret-Muslim, un-American, socialist, Dijon mustard-eating “black” president Barack Hussein Obama. A recent news report says that President Hussein is going to actually PERFORM a marriage for… (prepare yourself)… two men!?! What’s next? Republicans and Democrats working together to fix the country instead of the back-and-forth circus show we have now? Everyone loves the circus!
This is getting to be too much for me to handle. I’m going to go now and think alone by myself about the disgusting image of two men having sex. Maybe even three men. Black men. And maybe they’ll be jacked from just leaving the military. Who knows? God bless you and God Bless America!
by Dan
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Food for Thought: Boosting Revenue
Looking for a way to pay for your Hofstra education?
Try opening a fried chicken stand in the middle of a Hofstra USA party. You’ll make a FORTUNE.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT!
-Tyler
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The Importance of Smacking Women Around: Tyler Reflects on Sexism in Television Entertainment
For the most part, television is doing very well. On the major cable networks, there have been a number of moving, well-made, super successful dramas (Lost, 24, Mad Men) and a nice line up of comedies as well (The Office, 30 Rock, Modern Family, etc.) But there exists an omnipresent splinter in my brain when I think about television, and it’s because the shows that aren’t as great REALLY, REALLY suck. Like, not Battlefield Earth bad, but they’re certainly trying. People will credit this to the fact that the writing in great shows is smarter, quicker, and doesn’t bother with the idiocy that is a laugh track, adding the element of awkward realism. Or perhaps they just have better acting. But when it comes to the modern sitcom, I’m here to tell you exactly what separates the men from the boys, and it’s got nothing to do with the aforementioned characteristics.
My biggest pet peeve about the shitty modern sitcom is its construction of gender dynamics. Take ANY sitcom that is widely considered to be shitty (Two and a Half Men, According to Jim) and you will see what I am talking about. Apparently, in the worlds of these characters, men are lazy, stupid, ignorant buttholes running around with 24/7 power boners. They’d be hopeless if it weren’t for the help of their unrealistcally beautiful wives, who seem to possess an infinite amount of wisdom when it comes to life, love and happiness. This is how sitcoms portray the average American couple, and I’ve got one simple statement to make about it:
Women are stupid, too.
Remember the old black and white movies from the 50’s where men used to hit women? There was a reason for that. Remember how we don’t have any female presidents? There’s a reason for that. Notice how no one takes Lifetime Original movies and Oxygen channel seriously? There’s a reason for that.
Television shows cannot simply portray a marriage accurately if the woman is always right and the man is always a bafoon. That’s like calling Glenn Beck an idiot but then giving the Pulitzer Prize to Ann Coulter. You can’t have your cake and eat it too on this issue*. Both sexes make terrible mistakes, and neither is bound to have all the answers. If you illustrate a world that doesn’t abide by these rules, then you shouldn’t be producing or writing for a major network. I’m suspending too much of my disbelief in the Suspension of Disbelief here. This is why 30 Rock and The Office are the shit. Their female characters are needy, confused, desperate attention whores, and this is the portrait of American woman I have come to know in my own experience. Just tell it like it is.
*I have no idea what that phrase actually means.
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To kick off our tumblr, we’d like to have Deepthroat McStallion sing the national anthem…
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I am Tyler. I am Dan. This is our tumblr where we post funny things for your amusement. It's more enjoyable than passing a kidney stone… and that's our guarantee.
