At six years old, walking into a toy store was like stepping into heaven. Everywhere you looked you saw childhood treasures that a good amount of screaming and crying were sure to get you. Your mom or dad would say that famous line to you, “You can only pick one toy.” Now, you had one hell of a decision to make. Little girls would drift over towards the Barbie aisle and grab a “Sorority Slut Barbie” or, if they were feeling risky, maybe even one of Barbie’s token racial friends (There was always one African-American one and one Spanish/Asian one). Boys’ eyes might be caught by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Transformers action figure, the latter of which figuring out how to transform was like brain surgery even for parents. But, if you were feeling spunky and knew how to get the most for your parents’ buck, you passed by all of that and bolted directly over to the king aisle of the toy store… the Lego aisle.
Ah, Legos. Everyone remembers the classic procedure. First, dump all the pieces into a huge pile on the floor. Then, open the instructions and take your sweet ass time as you DaVinci a masterpiece that made you feel as though you had created LIFE! And if you wanted your Johnny Thunder truck to have wings or your Alpha Team submarine to be a convertible, you had the freedom to do just that! The only limit was your imagination! As a child, bringing Legos when playing with your friends was the equivalent to bringing ten uncontrollably hot girls to a frat party. You were the boss.
But, like every great thing in the world, there’s always a rip off version of it (just like how A Bug’s Life was followed by that piece of shit Antz). Here’s an image for you: It’s your birthday. You’re opening your birthday present and seeing, not Legos, but Mega Bloks!? I’m sorry, do I look like I’m mentally retarded? I don’t want those giant fugly things anywhere NEAR my epic Legos. Everyone knows that Mega Bloks are the mentally handicapped cousin of Legos. They were boring colored bricks that, when put together, were just a taller pile of boring colored bricks. Legos are to Mega Bloks what a shaving razor is to a bowling pin. Getting Mega Bloks as a gift from someone was their way of telling you that they don’t love you enough to spend a couple extra bucks on Legos and you now know who to never invite to your birthdays again. Every adult said the same bullshit line to you: “They’re the same thing.” That is a fat monstrous lie. If any kids out there ever get this line from your parents, I know just how to get them back. Wait about forty years down the road when your mom or dad is sick and they’re in desperate need for you to get their medication. Then, hand them a pack of Tic-Tacs and say “They’re the same thing.”
What else sucked were Knex. Sure, they could become giant epic roller-coasters and ferris wheels but they needed a rocket scientist to put together and when they were done… that was it. You had whatever the hell was on the box cover. Excuse me, but I didn’t put this giant son-of-a-bitch together to watch it spin once or twice then watch as a tiny touch would knock the whole contraption down. I built it because I want the ability to make it into whatever I want. The instructions aren’t supposed to be rules, they’re supposed to be suggestions! If Legos are the fun guy who’s the life of the party, Knex is the guy who talks about how he’s a public accountant and tells the same accounting joke over and over again until you’re ready to punch him in the face (By this logic, Mega Bloks would be the weirdo no one invited who’s spent the whole night talking to a pile of coats and asking if it’s seen the latest episode of Burn Notice).
So, parents… if you love your kids, go that extra step and buy them Legos. They’ll be the coolest kids at school and will love you forever. And kids, if your parents ever buy you some stupid knock-off brand like Mega Bloks, Knex, or (God forbid) Lincoln Logs (which deserves the response “Thanks Mom and Dad, I totally forgot it was 1861. By the way I hear the South is threatening to secede!”), don’t panic… just calmly tell your parents that they obviously made a mistake and should go back and exchange it for a Lego box or, with God as your witness, you will throw the biggest tantrum that not even a swat team and an exorcist will able to tame.
- by Dan
*I’m obviously kidding… no one bought any of Barbie’s minority friends. LOLZ