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Dan presents "I Now Pronounce You Evil and Fabulous": How Gay Ninjas are Trying to Kill Uncle Sam!
First, they try to turn all our children into raging, glitter-covered homosexuals. Then, they create things like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” to try and confuse hard-working heterosexual men into getting a chubby for an obvious “Gay-in-sheep’s-clothing”. They can’t decide which color to make their flag, so they pick all of them! You’d think all this was enough to fill their gay appetites but NO! Now, they’re after the holiest of American traditions after baseball and McDonald’s… MARRIAGE!
I’m talking of course about gay marriage. When God created the Bible, he said that homosexuality is an abomination (yet, for some reason, slavery and stoning your wife are allowed). So, for hundreds of years, we’ve beaten up and looked down on the gays. But now some freedom-hating, Godless liberals want to give homosexuals the ability to get married… like normal people!?! Everyone knows that we as Americans have to preserve the sanctity of marriage! Just look at upstanding shows like The Bachelorette or even ask Rush Limbaugh’s three-ex wives and they’ll tell you that there’s nothing more respected and cherished than marriage.
I don’t know about you, but the scary thought of gay marriage keeps me up at night tossing and turning. If gay marriage is allowed, I don’t know how I will ever be able to have sex with my wife without thinking about two hot sweaty men having sex and burning baby Jesus’ retinas. It’s hell on earth is what it is! Tree-hugging lefties like Lady GaGa and Sean Penn will tell you that gay people are “born this way”, but I don’t think that’s the case. Gay children come about by homosexuals teaching our youth to become the straight-hating foot soldiers of a “fabulous” gay army. Everyone knows that a straight man and a straight woman can’t have a gay child… it’s science (which is another ‘intellectual’ thing that attempts to contradict the Bible).
This “gay disease” has spread way too far and has infected too many people. They’ve taken the great Neal Patrick Harris and Freddie Mercury, icons for heterosexual men everywhere, and corrupted them into godless sodomites. They even got to our secret-Muslim, un-American, socialist, Dijon mustard-eating “black” president Barack Hussein Obama. A recent news report says that President Hussein is going to actually PERFORM a marriage for… (prepare yourself)… two men!?! What’s next? Republicans and Democrats working together to fix the country instead of the back-and-forth circus show we have now? Everyone loves the circus!
This is getting to be too much for me to handle. I’m going to go now and think alone by myself about the disgusting image of two men having sex. Maybe even three men. Black men. And maybe they’ll be jacked from just leaving the military. Who knows? God bless you and God Bless America!
by Dan
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I am Tyler. I am Dan. This is our tumblr where we post funny things for your amusement. It's more enjoyable than passing a kidney stone… and that's our guarantee.
